They would invite you if they wanted! Thinking about this some more, the bottom line for me about how much arranging is needed beforehand is how much am I going to have to change my plans now that you are here? So Ill just tell her we have to go in two minutes, so please start picking up. So I certainly think its possible that some kids would benefit from more guidance/help at a given age than others, and based on Elizabeths description of the situation, her son definitely might be one of them. I was really angry when they torpedoed Google Chat, because at least that had the option to be invisible. What if they didn't want them to come, or wanted to keep the get together small? I dont put up with the GSFs these days, but yeah, I totally used to feel stressed about it. I suppose the modern equivalent is mostly not responding to a text for six hours and then going whoops, phone was off. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. Show up with boyfriend to events that no other SO was invited to I suppose if someone REALLY didnt want to go away I could also let the dogs outside, but that seems more antisocial than is necessary. To be honest, Id be really freaked out if I found out someone I was friends with was apparently judging me for not dropping by. THE LAUGHING GIRL MYSTERY. But I wouldnt get nearly as irritated at them as I would at the door-to-door Vitamix salesman whos supposed to go away when he sees my sign. But I care. You can find other people who mesh with how you like to do things by being that person and modeling the behavior. Wash all these dishes and put them in the drying rack; you, heres a vacuum cleaner and theres the living room; you, I need these potatoes cut into sixteenths and the chunks then put in this blue bowl here on the counter. *deep breaths* Calling ahead was weird, heck, knocking on the door was weird, just come in. It was obvious she was expecting an invite, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best. Them:I want to see What We Do In The Shadows., You:Me too. ), This doesnt mean it cant be okay in specific workplaces, or with specific people! He hadnt received the email and was furious. That wouldnt have occurred to me unless my friends were in the habit of trying to sell me things. I have recently realized that these vague but powerful negative feelings I always had are called anxiety, and for me they always centered around dealing with other people. Gah. That is outrageous! I also figured out that Im just not that comfortable having people over not a born hostess, I guess. Same here. When you mention your leaky faucet or wonky DVR, and he offers to fix it, say yes and. As I said, I find these conversations miserable. I am saving the galaxy right now from assimilation because I will never solve it, and yet it keeps looping. You may get his favorite game and invite yourself over so that he can show you how to play. A little heyyy Im gonna be about an hour or so late! wouldnt go amiss, would it? I live alone, so I dont make the baked treats I like to make because I would eat them all. Also, LW, Im sorry to say this but it sounds like your friend is trying to pull a slow fade. It wouldnt involve a reaming out. Inviting yourself over to her place. For me I think a lot of it is upbringing. I was recently called out for inviting myself over to my friends home to show off my new bike. I just had my birthday party, so I had a bunch of friends over last weekend, and my apartment hasnt been so clean since.I threw my birthday party last year, I think. My narcissist mother apparently wore her own mom down so that she could just drop in any old time she wanted without calling or ringing the doorbell first. You could just speak to your friends and tell them what you want. For example, they're semi-close to a group they want to spend more time with, but they're usually not formally asked to join them when they hang out. I got reamed at (yelled at, sarcasm, etc) by my ex because I showed up early one night for a hangout. Especially re: the Geek Social Fallacy that if you invite a few members of The Group to do a thing, any other member that learns about the thing should also be invited? I would have just asked him to entertain himself while I was finishing up whatever or getting ready for whatever. But I also grew up with the unstated understanding that if you bump into your neighbors mowing the lawn or want to drop off a book and chat, you didnt hang around forever and expect them to re-schedule the afternoon. They think Im being silly when Im unsure like that. See Id totally get that we should do this! doesnt actually mean it until you make specific plans, but as soon as someone actually mentions a day Id assume its something that is almost certainly going to happen and we just need to confirm the time. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Im firmly in the camp of food is not bad and I refuse to feel guilty for it. Does anyone else feel really weird even discussing plans with someone if you arent inviting them to join you? At the very least dont honk your horn if youre in the city. I mean, if someone said I was driving by but didnt want to drop by in case it was rude (or even if you said I saw you driving by, why didnt you say hello? and they said that was the reason) then you could reassure them that youd be happy for them to come by any time. But thanks. Ill check in periodically through the week leading up to it checking on how his energy levels are looking so far and making sure his dad hasnt sprung something unexpectedly on him. but even adults have feelings, and if you expect someone to be your friend you should treat them like one. I love playing host, its true, but I use that phrase consciouslyplaying host. Its a role that I choose to put on, and it is not one that I would expect (or want!) But maybe thats me assuming everyone else suffers from certain GSFs. Like other commentors Im totally fine with a Im in the neighbourhood can I drop by text, as long as the other person is fine with actually, Im really busy, maybe next time as a reply. Oh, all right. This sort of thing reminds me that the only era for which I know there were clear and universally followed rules about this sort of thing, it was Regency era England, when people* would drop by during a clearly defined period of the day for a morning call, for about 20 minutes, and your butler could declare that you were not at home if you didnt want to see them. I dont live my life in such a way that Im always prepared for unexpected visitors. Also, Its not a a good time, I have boiling food/exploding children/a dog who is sick at both ends is an acceptable excuse. Oh man, the are we still on for X question is really baffling to me! . Most times its a yeah or no but well be home in an hour, go on and let yourself in. Britney: Were going out. I also think that Ask vs. I tend to get to parties and stuff early because I have severe anxieties about being late. There are really tough dynamics at play because FAMILY and also because its been going on for years. Use direct language, such as, "How about homemade lasagna and the new James Bond movie at your place Friday night?" Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. Oh god. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. It is not impolite to invite yourself to someone's home, depending on who you are inviting and why you are doing so. Or just the opposite could happen, and it may be a bad move to invite yourself to an outing where that kind of thing is commonly okay. Firstly, if he laughs and giggles about these situations, that means that he is interested in talking to you and enjoys your time. Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. If I know the people in question well enough I will sometimes just be explicit. I try to host people in my home every so often just so that I have the excuse/motivation to do this kind of cleaning which I then enjoy all by myself for several days after. Honestly this bothers me sometimes too, even though I dont like completely unexpected visits. Its the soft no issue. Likewise that does come across as very clingy and needy to me. (I wish it werent so, but in my limited and purely personal experience arranging any kind of social ANYTHING may range from difficult to impossible for an NNT young person), It gets even more clusterf*cky when you throw custody and visitation agreements into the mix. And maybe its just me, but honestly? but the child in question left my kid a quivering wreck after any play time. Makes me pretty anxious about having ANY visitors. Because theyre way closer friends with me than him. I dont get it a lot, but I did only start hearing that from people after I moved to San Francisco, so maybe it is a regional thing. Why view it as a personal offence? There was someone who I was expecting at, say, 1 PM, and she didnt turn up until 9, and it scared the crap out of me, because it was after dark andsurprise!SHE DIDNT CALL TO INFORM ME. So, unless Camille brings up her party in front of Bob, Im unlikely to talk about it. (Everyone else gets vacuuming if absolutely necessary, plus some spaces to sit down cleared off.). As someone who NEEDS a lot of being-away-from-other-humans time, I am deeeeeply unhappy when someone just shows up at my door. Sadly, society doesnt really have a script for ending platonic friendships. If it happens again, rinse and repeat. Either way, I am put in the position of doing something I may not want to, or forced into having a difficult or awkward conversation about how or why I dont want to do that thing with friend. Ive had a not awesome day so maybe Im just being a kvetch, but I do not think all in-advance-of-company-cleaning has to be shame cleaning. Dude, uh, thanks for coming, let your friends know about the show. I need you to help me fix it! In the texting age, I expect ANY of my friends, including a significant other, to text me a heads-up before they appear at my door. I would chalk that one up to bad ex and forget about it. Her invitation to her casa is the next step to a fling or long-term relationship. They dont see the big picture, as the big picture conflicts with their fantasy. Im embarrassed now when I think of how I chased after her. I am still wondering if I have no manners, if my expectations are all screwed up, etc, but a counselor will hopefully help with that. This is partly based on what I observed of other kids. It will be 6pm and we can have dinner. It helps if you accidentally miss out on something or are late, because people are pretty forgiving of schedule changes and mishaps, but it makes scheduling things with folks whose social expectations are different a little fraught. The best option is to talk to him about it, see what his expectations might be, and then decide what you are comfortable with. Exactly that last sentence. Are you also taking the initiative to plan things with friends? Tip #2: Plan a Dinner Close to Home or at Your Home. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. I never got why they didnt tell him to go away, but I am clearly meaner than them. I have been trying to explain to her that she cant invite herself to her friends places and she has not been really getting why. Asking first is the best policy, and it sounds like youre doing exactly that, so carry on with your rad self! Keep it to ones self, I say. You can go on and offer to fix him one of your favorite most loved recipes for dinner sometime that you are sure he will love. British/Irish person: *forgets about it in the cold light of day* OR *texts to say, So I was serious about seeing that film. Should I go or not? Maybe in the past they've spent time with these people, but have felt ignored or left out, or like they were quiet and boring. So, the reason I phrased it like this is, when Im at school, Im normally hanging out at the smoke pit with 10+ other people. Walk up to my door Maybe it was never normal for others. Oh god yes. People who know me know Im a call or text ahead person. If Im just at home, I can just switch from alone-state to friend-state and be done with it. If you are not an excellent cook, then dont be discouraged. Her friends tendency to just withdraw a little makes it unlikely that asking will yield good results. I then, with friends who I had invited, discussed details of the plans and ideas and asked for opinions. So, if you dont want to come on too strong or you feel shy to do it, use these little tips to indicate to him that you want some private time bonding. Im still trying to find the adult language to be, like, NO, your roommate-with-whom-I-am-only-casually-acquainted is NOT automatically also invited when you come visit and stay in my apartment in my new city, h-how, why, why would you think that would be the case? butmore kindly. If it isn't, call him rather than send a text to invite him over. LW, as a general rule (at least in most parts of North America and Europe), I think youll usually be safe with these guidelines: dont just show up at someones house (unless theyve told you they like when people do that) and dont be the one to suggest you go to your friends house (unless youre quite close or theyve told you they like that). They allowed me to make soft nos and those soft nos were more often accepted, because hey, were asking if youre free right now so if you say no well go do our thing and move on with our lives instead of sending a bunch of follow up texts trying to lock you in to a date. but Im concerned about *your* plans. You could also go to a bar closer to his house and act a little tipsy and call him up saying you are a bit tipsy and dont feel too comfortable driving home in this situation and you can sober up at his house for a little while then go home later. She didnt get one, but it felt very uncomfortable. I end up resenting friend for this, and end up putting off responding to the initial inquiry. I used to live in a basement apartment. I just recently reconnected with a friends who I lost touch with because of our different expectations. You may be as creative as you want, and if you are competent at cooking, they will be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. I have a Facebook account with a lot of people friended but rarely log in, so I miss things from time to time because people assume that, if youre on their friends list, you will see their posts. ANYONES GUESS! Turns out those same people liked to gang up on me with emotional abuse and gaslighting. +1 to this. Meanwhile I prefer for casual-visit to mean lets go out to the coffee shop, even though that really strains my budget, because I both have executive function issues that affect my house and experience a lot of shame over those issues. This situation really shook me. Anyway, Im pretty much resigned to the fact that giving unsolicited advice is a social faux pas, so am trying to focus on other gifts that others might offer me instead. My mom, my sister and I had come to town planned ahead of time to arrive at their house and have dinner. Look, there's a good chance if she's agreed to come over, you'll end up in bed together, and the last thing you want is to bring her into a lair of disarray. I've been writing about social skills for fifteen years. There are exceptions, lots of them. And its also a problem you can fix, without awkwardness or hurt feelings. The real standout is the time he came to a free preview of my show well and good and proceeded to hang around after curtain, and after notes, and until I had said, Call times at 5 tomorrow, guys, see you then! Awful. You can go on and be as creative as possible and If you are good at your cooking game they will definitely be impressed if they say yes to your invitation. Does she ever reciprocate, either by visiting you or by explicitly inviting you? We talked about boys, sex, parents, money, school. I am sitting here listen to someone honk their horn every 20 seconds for, I dont even know, 5 minutes? This was a bigger issue for my girlfriend at the time, but after a certain time hospitality would dictate that we offer food or drink, which extends the visit and expends house resources. Mind if I come along? Im embarrassed now when I think of how I chased after her. 5. Come over! Ah gosh, my mum does that all the time! To ask for the presence or participation of: invite friends to dinner; invite writers to a conference. When Ive broached the subject in a nonconfrontational way (using similar language) in the hopes of opening up a dialogue, I am always met with some version of, No problem, Im just busy with stuff. If you could just not do that, that would be awesome. Do they seem loose and easygoing about these kinds of social rules, or are they more proper and formal? On the other hand, there are people who I know if they showed up unannounced, I would feel violated and not happy at ALL. Im glad Im not the only person who finds this difficult. I really, really need time to myself, and someone showing up to my house unexpectedly, no matter what, makes me feel uncomfortable and encroached upon. Put that out of your mind until your dd leaves home. Im certainly going to be packed and ready to go, but it tends to be easier for both parties if they just call me when theyre there, or even when theyre getting close so I can get to the curb and wait without having to then find out that theyre stuck in traffic and are going to be 15 minute late. Certain people, certain times in my life, I have been 100% okay with showing up unannounced at their place and vice versa. A lot. What is it about gaming people that makes them like this? Im like this too and I have an anxiety disorder. Yeah, thats what bugs me: I understand Things Happen, but to just turn up hours late without an explanation and then expect that the host will want to stick around and talk? That sounds nice, but I need to find this part for my vacuum cleaner means No. If you get one of these refusals-for-reasons, a good thing to do is to saysome variation of Gotcha! This understanding of the rules is based on Heyer, Austen, and Mary Robinette Kowal, probably in that order. You'll make your life much simpler. Ill text you early next week and we can set something up., Them: I never get to see you. Without telling us?). I think showing her that you are aware of and respectful of her need for space will conversely whet her desire to spend more time with you. A group of friends may be totally open to new people joining them, but are so close with each other they unintentionally give off an air of being exclusive. This is all excellent. Inviting yourself over to people's places is frowned upon, at least in many Western cultures. But I fight against that urge, because, if they are going to be my friend, they might as well see my clutter up front and be okay with it. What are we? Then suddenly it became not okay for ME to do that. I loathe that kind of conversation, I cant initiate it. In the end though it would have been much better for us if Id set stronger boundaries at the outset. Ha, I grew up in a similar neighborhood culture- but in kind of a hippie community where there were few fences and a lot of windows. However, if youre not a very close friend, when your cup is empty, its time to go. If someone asks what I am doing or was doing [at such and such a time] and the detailed answer is something fun without you. If I answer at all I say I had dinner plans with a friend how was your weekend? or I had a bunch of stuff going on- I am actually kind of glad to be back to work. But thats really about it. For the chronic advice-givers, this usually takes me repeatedly saying I know youre trying to help, but Im just venting right now so I dont want advice, thanks. I used to get REALLY angry about it, but eventually I realized that most people arent my horribly abusive family: they are genuinely trying to help, and will stop once you tell them that its not helping, rather than continuing until you start crying uncontrollably and agreeing to do whatever they say. Its best to assume theyre not into drop-ins unless they make it clear they like that kind of thing. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. Im the same way. just got off the train, be there in 5 min Then they wont be surprised when I buzz them or ring the doorbell a few min later. It wasnt always this way. But thats not whats being discussed in this subthread the question was raised whether it was a priori needy to stop by someones work to get a hug. For my part, since most of my friends are similar, I try to make a habit of going, hey, do you want advice here, or are you just venting?. Id never get out of my car and go up to someones door when I havent been specifically invited; that would be really rude to me. (Im sorry I have a lot of issues around this sort of thing ahahah). I so need to have more people over so this happens more often. Repeat as necessary, adding I do not want you to drop by unannounced. Im very sorry that there was a miscommunication, and I hope well have a chance to get together soon., The script you REALLY need, though, is for your friend: Friend, we like seeing your cousin occasionally, but she seems to think that any invitation to you includes her as well, and thats not actually the case. No notice necessary.. Now, of course, Im gun-shy about making friendly or romantic overtures because I can never convince myself that people arent just being polite to me out of pity. Then, make a conscious decision to switch your focus elsewhere: on another new friend or date, on a hobby, on a great book youre reading, on showing up in some way for the people you already know and love. Frequently saying no is going to cause problems with even the most dedicated Asker, so the prudent course is to say it strongly once, even if the idea of occasionally saying yes isnt awful. I think she was taken aback when I said Its a church wedding so of course its open to the public anyone in the congregation can attend. She was angling for a personal invite. ), ps. If someone is going to visit my home, I need enough notice to get myself and the main areas of the house decent before they turn up. If you are sure about him then just go ahead and ask him and the truth is he probably wont say no if he desires the same thing as you. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to this gathering. When I was a wee child, my family was visiting with another family, and when my parents were ready to leave, they went around and asked each kid if we wanted to leave or stay and keep playing. Someone showing up at work means I suddenly have to juggle multiple of those states at the same time, and it is socially tiring. I think its a good time to keep the recounting of the event to yourself. At this point I just put all the blame on my ridiculously small washing machine, and any time I dont want company I claim Im stuck doing laundry allll day so I simply couldnt possibly or no one will have clean pants. I am an outgoing introvert. Shes even walked in the front door before when we didnt answer her knocking quickly enough. At least my friends ask, but we make plans to meet at a specific time, me and a few friends, and invariably one of them will text the host and say hey, Im ready, can I come over now? and its, like, 3 hours early. Here's when we do it. If youre her friend and she likes you, she actively enjoys unexpected knocks on the door and quick visits that end up taking the entire afternoon. I can still say no of course, but it becomes rather rocky when it shouldnt have to. When I asked him about the surprise invites, his reply was, I thought it was efficient to get all my social obligations taken care of at once. What does this mean for transportation etc.. Its so dependent on individuals. Perhaps the best way to do this would be to communicate that you are unable to attend, but are thankful for the invitation. Finally I think he invited you because he might want to spend a few good times with you like watch a movie or maybe he wand to do the next step to kiss you or just tell you he likes you or something. Don't expect him to have everything you need. I feel like this is one of those things that might stretch further than just Northern Californiapeople on this coast are flakes, and theres a pretty big tolerance for flakiness in a lot of social circles, and as a result some of these customs cropped up as a response to the general flakiness. If you were invited, youd already be invited. Even if it was their idea. Im not trying to maintain some front, Im not trying to look more together than I am. Ahaha. Im not sure why it would be unkind to continue to the conversation that was already going? I care a *lot*, because having my mother constantly belittle me, my housekeeping skills and my space whenever she visits makes my home feel not like a safe space. There was often a pattern where Kid One would ask permission to invite Kid Two over, their grownups would give permission, the kid would do the actual inviting, Kid Two would ask their grownups for permission, Kid Twos grownups would only give permission if they were able to give Kid Two a ride if needed, and then Kid Two would accept the invitation and visit Kid One. My mother always really, REALLY hated unexpected guests and visitors, and if someone showed up unexpectedly she would be icily polite until they left and then bitch about them for hours afterwards and for the following couple of days. I dont know if it was the same kind of thing for you, but my father and stepmother were always doing the Im going to ask you what sounds like a question but it really isnt and then shame you for failing to have manners I havent actually taught you and oh what an embarrassing child you are game. If an event just seems like the organizers want to keep it small. In the most Brazilian(*) way, of course. Also, I love the distinction of Ask v. Guess (and boy does that explain some things about my boss). Be female. What if it rains, or snows, or if its swelteringly hot outside? Le sigh. Its not that different. if people are really always deflecting blame away from themselves and harming the relationship, there are ways to get that point across gently, as part of a dialogue, without silencing.
